Harry potter and the suicidal snowy owl
by Kewen
Summary: Harry is repeatedly killing his owls, accidentally of course, and is currently on Hedwig 4. Luckily, Hagrid hasn’t noticed..yet.
1. 1: In which Harry says 'bugger'

Title: Harry potter and the suicidal snowy owl.  
  
Plot: Plot? Oh, *that* thing. There will be another chapter. Eventually. Hopefully.  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. No, wait, that's a lie.  
  
A/N: I apologize greatly for anyone who was offended by the sheer stupidity of this story. I wrote this when I was completely hyped up on those little sticks of sherbet.  
  
Also, this is not a Harry/Cho fic. Don't let the first few lines put you off. Harry will eventually realize later on in the story that Ginny (or Draco.) is the only one for him. Please please please review, as this is the first fanfic I've ever posted. I don't care if you write anything from; "I love it, write more!" to "Please for the safety of yourself and others around you, don't write anything else. Ever." You can send feedback to kewen@end-war.com, or just click on the review box thing .  
  
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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Harry potter and the suicidal snowy owl~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
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Harry looked into her eyes, she was so beautiful. So happy. 'I want you harry,' whispered Cho, her breath tickling his ear, 'kiss me, please.' Cho parted her lips slightly and leant forwards expectantly. They were so close now, they were going to kiss...  
  
CLANG  
  
"Wazza?" grunted harry, just in time to see Hedwig's cage teetering dangerously over the windowsill. "Wyaaaa!" yelled harry, before he realized Hedwig wasn't in it. The cage gave another wobble, before toppling off the windowsill into Harry's bedroom. Harry made a grab for it but was too late. The cage fell onto the floor with a clatter, spilling bird poo, food and newspaper everywhere.  
  
'Shit!' screamed harry as he fought to catch hold of something to prevent him from skidding through the mess on the floor. He managed to catch hold of the side of the desk and somehow ended up pulling that over on top of him. 'Shit!' yelled Harry again as he landed face first into bird mess. 'Bleargh' said Harry as he wiped the remaining poo from his nose. He got out an old used tissue that was beginning to go green round the edges, and began to wipe his glasses.  
  
It wasn't the first time this had happened.  
  
Hedwig got awfully upset when he didn't put her cage near the window. Even more upset if the window wasn't open. But it was Harry's own fault that he didn't clean out the cage. Because quite frankly, he couldn't be arsed. The result was usually the cage being blown over by the wind and fresh droppings sprinkled everywhere.  
  
Harry had been more than delighted when Hagrid had given him an owl. But he wasn't too pleased when he found out that he also had to clean it out and feed it and let it swoop around at night screeching and bringing back dead mice. What's the use of being a wizard if you can't magic away owl crap? If he used his magic outside of hogwarts he could be expelled, though he was tempted. It was probably worth it, just so incidents like this didn't happen on a regular basis. That was when the problems started.  
  
The first owl Harry had received was a present from Hagrid. He had named it Hedwig. Now, like most owls, Hedwig would fly around at night hoping to catch something. She hardly ever did, and in her frustration she would screech until dawn.  
  
Eventually Harry got fed up with this and lobbed a shoe at her from his window. It struck her on the head with incredible accuracy, and she dropped like a stone. 'Bugger' said Harry.  
  
Harry knew that Hagrid would be rather upset if he knew that harry had killed his owl, especially if he knew Harry had deliberately killed it with a shoe, so he went and bought another one sharpish. This one also had a coat of snowy white feathers. He named it Hedwig 2.  
  
Luckily, Hagrid didn't notice the difference, despite the fact that this owl was about half the size of Hedwig number 1.  
  
Eventually, harry got very pissed with this owl for exactly the opposite reason. Hedwig 2 would stay in her cage for entire months, not move or make any sound, collecting dust and gradually developed asthma.  
  
Harry was quite often woken from his erotic dreams with Cho by the sound of Hedwig 2's wheezing.  
  
Ron suggested giving her a cough potion. Stupidly, Harry agreed.  
  
After Hedwig had exploded, they held a brief funeral for her by the lake.  
  
"Poor Hedwig" sniffled Hermione, blowing her nose on Ron's sleeve. Ron didn't seem to notice. "Poor Harry too. That's the second owl you've killed off this year."  
  
"That was Ron's fault!" argued Harry.  
  
"Yes, but we all know better than to listen to Ron, don't we?" Said Hermione. Ron nodded in agreement.  
  
"Shut up" said Harry irritably as he tossed Hedwig 2 into the lake.  
  
A long tentacle snaked out of the water, curled around the white mass of feathers and dragged the owl under the surface of the lake barely causing a ripple.  
  
"Bugger." said Harry.  
  
Hedwig 3 had been a big mistake. Probably because she wasn't an owl. She was a cat. There were no more owls left in the Pet shop, and the closest the shop owner could come to 'large female snowy white owl' was 'large female ginger and black with half it's ear missing fur ball.'  
  
Unfortunately for Harry and Hedwig 3, Ron decided to give her flying lessons, not realizing that she wasn't an owl. Despite the fact that this particular Hedwig had no feathers, wings or beak, Ron claimed that 'they all looked the same'.  
  
'Bugger' said Harry as he saw his cat thrown from the astronomy tower to Ron's cries of 'flap birdy, flap!'  
  
Harry's current owl was Hedwig 4. She had miraculously survived the summer holidays, and Harry guessed she was out hunting. Hermione had very kindly bought Harry this one, after she made him promise not to kill it like he had the last two (or three, depending on whether you count Hedwig 3 or not.)  
  
Harry thought he should get back to clearing up the mess on the floor. Just then Hedwig landed on the bed and gave Harry the customary greeting of doing a large turd on the bed covers. Harry's eye twitched furiously, and it took all is willpower to keep himself from taking his wand and jamming it up the damn owl's feathery little arse.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sooooo, whadaya think? Right. I get the message. *whacks self repeatedly with saucepan* 


	2. 2: In which Hedwig flies into a window

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Hello again. Thanks to all of you that reviewed, and asked me to write more. Why?  
  
I turned Dudley into a ballet dancer, and killed off another Hedwig. Very eventful chapter indeed.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry sat on his bed reading his copy of 'amazing owls and how to kill them'. He sighed a little sigh, hummed a little tune and chewed thoughtfully on a toenail.  
  
Only three days until he would return to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. He was soon to begin his second year at the school, which sucked, but at least the damned bird wouldn't be in his room, screeching and crapping everywhere. She could stay in the owlry, and annoy the other birds. Hedwig the fourth was crammed into her cage by the window, hooting furiously at nothing in particular. Harry threw some breadcrumbs at her from where he was sitting, and got back to his book. It was extremely interesting, actually.  
  
Just then, he heard a crash from the next room. He got back to reading. It was probably Dudley, practising his new 'sport'.  
  
His cousin had just taken up ballet dancing, to get fit and impress girls. Dudley had all the grace of a drunken hippopotamus on roller skates, but was improving. Improving painfully slowly, but improving nonetheless.  
  
Dudley was continuously bumping into things, like walls, but the thuds were getting less frequent after a good few months of practising.  
  
Uncle Vernon wasn't too happy with his son's hobby. He was more fond of wrestling, or kick boxing, but Dudley wasn't too keen on violence. Which was fine with Harry, until Dudley needed a partner to practice with. Then he ran.  
  
The days passed quickly, and soon he was boarding the train that would take him straight to the school. He hated the train. It smelt like piss and was full of new witches and wizards, all trying to impress people by showing off the new spells they had learnt.  
  
I can't believe I was once a first year, thought Harry as he waded through the crowds to find his friends, Ron and Hermoine.  
  
He eventually found them in a small compartment right at the back of the train. "Are you avoiding me?" He asked them as he sat down. "No." Nodded Ron. Harry grunted. He didn't blame them.  
  
"Where's Hedwig?" asked Hermione innocently.  
  
"Oh, I er." Harry scratched the back of his neck and looked casually out the window. A white snowy owl looking suspiciously like Hedwig the fourth flew past, hooting merrily. "I let her outside, you know, for some fresh air."  
  
"Harry, you twat!" yelled Hermione, and opened the window, dragging the poor bird back in and locking it firmly, seeing Ron looking at it. She wouldn't put it past him to jump out. He'd done it before.  
  
Hermione let go of Hedwig and she flew in circles, screaming in rage at Hermione, then flying straight into the window with a loud THUNK.  
  
Hermione's bottom lip began to tremble, and she said in an upset sort of voice, "Oh but Harry, you promised you wouldn't kill this one!"  
  
Thunk thunk thunk  
  
"Look, it isn't dead yet, is it?" Said Harry in defence, pointing at the window to where his owl was flying repeatedly into the clear glass pane trying, unsuccessfully, to break through.  
  
"I don't think he'll last much longer though." Said Ron.  
  
Thunk thunk thunk  
  
"Don't be stupid." Snapped Harry. "He bashes into things all the time, and he's been fine."  
  
Hedwig flew into the window one last time, before dropping onto the floor of the train compartment and not moving. Hermione let out a little sob.  
  
"Bugger." Said Harry.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ok, so this chapter sucked. I'll make the next one longer, promise. 


End file.
